I have been composing this post in my head for a while now. Never sure exactly how to introduce it or where to begin or where it might take me. I don't have it all figured out - and, the more I think about it - this really is a topic that simply cannot be wrapped up neatly in the bow of one single blog post. At least not by me. So, what follows is Part I of my thoughts on the subject of monogamy, open relationships and why I do what I do.
Before I begin, let me go back to the beginning. Early on in my relationship with Holly, she and I discussed the notion of being "exclusive" with one another. Technically speaking, I was the one who brought up and used that very word, but I got the sense from her that exclusivity within our affair was what she desired. With the benefit of hindsight (and lots of further discussion with her about it) I now understand that I read some things into the situation that simply were not there. In my defense, however, I will say that I don't think I completely made it all up in my head that Holly wasn't thrilled by the idea of my hooking up with other women. I will also say - wait, let me get my "Master of the Obvious" t-shirt and put it on - that discussions of non-monogamy and polyamorous relationships are tricky, at best. Re-reading that previous sentence makes me seriously wonder if I shouldn't also don my "Master of Understatement" cap to go with that t-shirt.
In any case, I told Holly that I wanted to be exclusive with her for a couple of reasons. First, having been brought up in a culture that places a very high value on monogamy, I thought it was what I should say. I just assumed that it's what she wanted to hear. And, in fact, I think even she'd admit that at least some small part of her did want to hear it. I mean, who doesn't want to hear that the person to whom you're attracted and having super-hot sex with is so completely, totally into YOU, that they don't desire anyone or anything else? But, as I have learned, Holly is not like most women in lots of ways and so, while that small part of her may have wanted to hear it from me, she wasn't going to pick up her ball and go home if I'd have said that I wanted to have sex with other women. Besides, this was really early on in our affair, before we'd developed the strong feelings of love for one another that evolved over time.
The second reason I told her that I wanted to be exclusive with her is, well, because I kind of did. Again, cultural norms and expectations play a huge role in this for me, but I think I really wanted to find one person that just completely "did it" for me. As someone who got married young and felt himself slowly growing apart from his wife and realizing that he felt suffocated rather than fulfilled by his primary relationship, I began searching for that deeper, soulful connection that was missing at home. I didn't even realize it at first - or was it that I didn't admit it to myself? I honestly don't know, but I told myself when I first started having affairs that it was "just about the sex". And, in many cases, it was "just" sex. And I found some hot, crazy, very satisfying sex. I liked it - it was fun. I felt alive and attractive and, dare I say "hot" for the first time in years. But, over time, I found that these affairs were far more satisfying for me when I could have a sense of connection with the person whom I was fucking. No, I'm not talking about love, just a feeling of...I don't know...appreciation? admiration? respect? interest? I'm not sure how to even describe it other than to say that when I found someone I really liked, I wanted to truly know them. And I wanted them to really, really be interested in getting to know me. That proved difficult. I suppose my lack of success in that area points to the likely conclusion that I believe myself to be far more fascinating than I actually am.
I'm not the easiest person to understand; I have encountered far more people in my life who don't "get" me than do. So, finding someone I really connected with proved difficult. But perhaps that's the way it is with romantic/sexual relationships in general. Let's face it - there are plenty of blogs out there lamenting the difficulties of dating and relationships. People are a pain in the ass. People are weird. People are screwed up. Not you people reading this, of course, I am talking about OTHER PEOPLE :) In any case, I fell into the trap of believing that there was one person out there who could provide me with all I need, all the time and I think sort of went on a quest to find her. Ever the optimist, I began to approach each affair with the idea that she could be "the one". As an aside, I should note that at no time during said search did I consider the idea of divorcing my wife - I wasn't out there actively auditioning potential replacements. It should also be pointed out that I am, in many ways, a dumbass and thus, didn't see my quest and my desire to stay married as necessarily mutually exclusive.
So, when I found Holly and we got past some initial awkwardness and began to understand each other a bit better, I told her I wanted to be exclusive with her, in part, because I really did. But even as I did, I think I sensed that that notion was bullshit - that there is no one person who can truly satisfy all of our needs all the time. It's just not realistic. Part of the realization that monogamy just doesn't work for me came from discussions with Holly and also from reading other bloggers who wrote - much more eloquently than can I - about this very subject. I began to feel like it really was ok to admit that one person might not be enough for me all of the time. I guess I sort of began to give myself permission to admit that I might need more.
That sense that it's ok to want someone else definitely made it easier but it hasn't all been smooth sailing, either. In fact, I did something a few weeks ago that made me realize that even two super sophisticated, mature, educated, cool people like Holly and me have more work to do in the area of navigating an open relationship. As this is getting quite long (that's what she said), I think I'll save that story for Part 2.
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